It was good to see you yesterday. It's been a while. I noticed you pass by when Paul, the yoga instructor adjusted everyone in the class but me. You came through like a wave of insecurity.
But I really saw you. Like it was for the first time. What I noticed was that I didn't need to get mad at you. I didn't need to ignore you or cast you away. I didn't need to shake my fist high in praise of the ego-death. What I needed to do was something much bigger.
I've been thinking about the last letter I wrote. When I broke up with you. Actually I've been thinking about a lot of things. A lot about you and me. And I've noticed that it hasn't done me any good to throw you to the side. It's very unloving of me to do that to you and to myself. Because when you come around, in the guise of fear, or insecurity, or hurt, or any sort of defence mechanism, you're just a scared little kid. You're the hurt child inside of me.
I really get what you are now. You're not just some random energy that seeks to control and take me away from enjoying life. You're all the parts of me that I've never loved. You're the fleet of defence chemicals that just try to protect me from the unknown. And when you show up, you're showing me how to love myself. How to love the parts of me that are scared. The parts that feel vulnerable. You're actually a really good teacher.
So, I'm going to do something big. I'm going to love you. I'm going to love you unconditionally. And as much love as I give to you, I'll be filling myself with all that love. I'm going to love every last bit of fear, insecurity, anger, anxiety, and fear that you come in the shape of. I'm going to love you so much that those negative emotions will evaporate from your experience. All the familiar negative thought patterns that you think are real will evaporate. We'll make new patterns together. New ways of being joyfully and fearlessly in this world. And when you're loved like that, you'll be able to mature. I'll be able to mature. We'll grow together. And we'll support each other.
Because we are One Thing. When I negate you, I'm negating that part of myself that wants to grow. And when I love you, I'm feeding that love to myself in a way that is supportive and strong.
I want the best for us. So, if you're willing, I'd like to open up our communication. I'd like to spend time with you and give you the attention you deserve. I can teach you that the problems you think are out to get you are not real, I can teach you how to be fearless in the face of the unknown. And you can teach me how to really love. Regardless of what happens, I'm going to love you. Endlessly, unconditionally.
So what do you say? Shall we do this together?
With all my love,
cover image: Evan Kirby